ShitMyDadSays

noreply@blogger.com (Myrtle Beach Web Design) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 04:54:00 +0000

I wish you'd look at this Facebook page called "Shit My Dad Says". Some young man writing down everything his crusty old father says. It is absolutely hilarious!

ShitMyDadSays

"Sprain, huh? Did you go to medical school?... Well I did, so spare me your dog-shit diagnosis and lemme look at your ankle."

"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist." (this is myfavorite!)

"Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus."

"Might not do a damn bit of good, but tell people to donate to Haiti on your twitter thing." TEXT "Haiti" to 90999 to donate 10$

"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card."

"Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of shit in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice."

"I'm just gonna be me and they can go fuck themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."

"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."

“Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."

"You can watch the house while I'm gone. Just don't call me unless something's on fire, and don't screw in my bed."

"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?”

"Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0"

"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."

"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."

"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts."

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."

"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works."

“The whole world is fueled by bullshit… What? The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I’m giving it to him.”

"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."

“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."

"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea."

"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."

"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."

"Remember this: you're just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it's not."

"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."

"Mom and I saw a great movie last night...No, don't remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks."

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

"I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away."

5. You think vests come in two styles - bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave".

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

other people.

There is a website called The Urban Dictionary that has tons of words the rappers and young people have placed new meaning on. It made some sense, but then I saw the term, "David". I thought WTF?

Here are 15 meanings for "David". I think I can see every single one of them. The site is kind of like Wikipedia...people go on there and add their own definitions. Here are some universal meanings of the name and term. Simply amazing...I did NOT make this up.

1. David
A formidable foe to normal people... Intelligent, strong, forceful. A weird hybrid of a bully and a nerd. As well as the first dictator of the America and king of the new peaceful world.
Also known as Timebomb and various other variations including at least TB.

"I am David. All other David's fall in march as we conquer the world."

timebomb, insane, conquer, peace, america, earth, conquerer, leader, smart, strong

2. david
a very hot guy usually nice and very funny

"Dude, he is such a david."

hot, funny, nice, smart, cute

3. David
A person who is hecka cool or awesome. Everyone else is nothing compared to a David.

Person 1: "You are really really cool, just like a David."
Person 2: "Thanks! That really cheers me up."

cool, awesome, great, coolest, super, wow, yay

4. David
One who is a BAD ASS MOTHA FUCKA.

This person is often very good looking and usually quite daring. This person also enjoys a nice glass of scotch, and most closely compared to the badass McLovin.

"You are such a David for banging my mom and sister!"
"Only David could have raped Goliath."

bamf, crazy, insane, beast, strong, sexy

5. David (noun)
The name of a famous statue made by Michaelangelo
(adj.) A person with really great hair, that you just want to take a nap in it.
(adj.) A person who generally has great taste in music and is loved by most everyone, most of the time.

"Have you seen his hair? He is so david."
"Did you know that johnny liked that band? He is such a david."

david hassellhoff, vegetable, music, good

6. David
A BMF that does and gets what he wants. Someone that doesn't play by any particular rules, but is unusually charming and plays off of his looks. A David is always the funniest and enticing man of the hour.

Girl 1 "David was so funny at the party last night!"
Girl 2 "yeah, I didn't see who he went home with"
Girl 3 "I tried to take him home"
Girl 1 "I heard he gave that stuck up blonde model a Tony Danza!!"

7. David
The man of my dreams. The most amazing person in the entire world. The person I will spend the rest of my life with. The love of my life.

Typically drinks too much, plays his music wayyy too loud, and doesn't know how to take a joke. :=) Also known as Day-Day, Dummy, Mr. Amazing, Little Foot. :-)

david, love, baby, drunk, amazing

8. David
A man that looks and acts like a gopher. He usually wears a fanny pack and goes on bike rides.

"GOPHERS ON BIKES!?"
"No, that's just David."

9. david
David and goliath - any david will always come out ahead.

"David never loses. David is a great name. "
"David beat the rest of them in the tournament."

10. david
Always juiced and looks fly.

"That guy looks like a david."

11. David
A type of vibrating dildo.

Susan says "Oh I had such a nice time last night with my david"

12. David
A closet fascist who masquerades as a liberal and decides to stop talking to you one day out of nowhere after you've been dating for 3 years.

Girl 1: "I don't know what's going on! We had amazing sex 2 weeks ago, he tied me down and made me call him 'Master', but I haven't been able to reach him since!"
Girl 2: "You'd better start looking for a new boyfriend. Looks like you've got a David."

13. David
The hair generally beneath the scrotum that causes chafing usually when engaged in physical activity.

"Man, my david is really aggrevating me right now, I should really shave it off"
"I pride myself on my mane of david, I hear the chicks dig it."

14. David
A restaurant term used by reckless cooks in the kitchen, when announced, warrants the act of sabotaging food.

Restaurant customer (1): "Wha... What is this? I just found pubes in my sandwich!"
Restaurant customer (2): "Dude, they totally just pulled a david on you."

15. David
One who farts and denys it thoroughout the night, and blames it on other people. - Also known as the mystery farter.

"People who fart at night and blame it on other people can be called a mystery farter, or a David."

Dear Mr. President,Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and you're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror? Are you proud?
How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye...And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President, Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy? Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say no child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells while you pave the road to hell.
What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say.

You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.
How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work -Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work -Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work -Hard work -Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work Hard work
Oh, How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President, You'd never take a walk with me. Would you?

7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican
(another email joke - if it's yours, email me!)

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

The power of Alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay .
Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!'

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says......
...

...

"He shoulda quit while he was a head."

(click picture for video)
Ron has 3 videos so far. Get the word out!
Vote Ron White 2008!

Another chapter to the David Disease...
I heard that they had an episode of "One Life to Live" (Gawd, I can't abide a soap opera) but anyway, the episode earlier this week involved a woman named Tina who has a dog named....what do you suppose?

DAVID. A damm dog named David. Actually its name is David Vickers, to be just a bit more bizarre.

Some dude named "Cain" kidnapped David Vickers and sent Tina his picture on the cell phone, with a message that the aforesaid Mr. Vickers would soon be seeing Davy Jones.

Quote, "And I don't mean the Monkee."

I love this. Yet another PINK out of osmosis...

I got this great list of "Groaners" in an email. It makes a good break from all the political upchuck, too.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

2. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

I did not write this. Got it in an email and added a few personal touches.
For the record, I am a liberal. But I'm a politically INCORRECT liberal, and a Hillary Supporter. I will never vote for this man, nor will I vote Republican. I am a member of PUMA now. Political Unity My Ass. Check out the website - http://justsaynodeal.com/

**************************

Barack Hussein Obama is an eloquently tailored empty suit. No resume, no accomplishments, no experience, no original ideas, no understanding of how the economy works, no understanding of how the world works, no balls, nothing but abstract empty rhetoric devoid of real substance.

He has no real identity. He is half-white, which he rejects. The rest of him is mostly Arab, which he hides but is disclosed by his non-African Arabic surname and his Arabic first and middle names as a way to triply proclaim his Arabic parentage to people in Kenya . Only a small part of him is African Black from his Luo grandmother, which he pretends he is exclusively.

What he isn't, not a genetic drop of, is 'African-American,' the descendant of enslaved Africans brought to America chained in slave ships. He hasn't a single ancestor who was a slave. Instead, his Arab ancestors were slave owners.

Slave-trading was the main Arab business in East Africa for centuries until the British ended it. Let that sink in: Obama is not the descendant of slaves, he is the descendant of slave owners.

Thus he makes the perfect Bleeding Heart Liberal Messiah. It's something Hillary doesn't understand - how some complete neophyte came out of the blue and stole the Dem nomination from her.

Obamamania is beyond politics and reason. It is a true religious cult, whose adherents still believe in Original Sin, transferring it from the evil of being human to the evil of being white.

Thus Obama has become some of the white liberals' Christ, offering absolution from the Sin of Being White. There is no reason or logic behind it, no faults or flaws of his can diminish it, no arguments Hillary could make of any kind can be effective against it.

The absurdity of Hypocrisy Clothed In Human Flesh being their Savior is all the more cause for some to worship him:

"Credo quia absurdum," I believe it because it is absurd.

POLITICAL UNITY MY ASS.

Or maybe it does? A man in a swimming pool!!!

Man Sues Restaurant Over 9-Foot Tapeworm

Customer Says Salmon Contained Parasite

POSTED: 2:25 pm EDT August 19, 2008 http://www.wyy4.com/

CHICAGO -- A man who contends he got a 9-foot tapeworm after eating undercooked fish has sued a Chicago restaurant.

In the lawsuit filed Monday, Anthony Franz said he ordered salmon salad for lunch from Shaw's Crab House in 2006 and fell violently ill. He later passed the giant parasite, which a pathologist determined came from undercooked fish, such as salmon.

Franz's lawsuit seeks $100,000 from Shaw's and its parent company, Lettuce Entertain You Enterprises, contending the restaurant's staff was negligent in serving him improperly cooked fish.

But Carrol Symank, vice president of food safety for Lettuce Entertain You, said the tapeworm didn't come from Shaw's.

"We have done a thorough investigation and we're confident the restaurant is not the source," he said.

According to the Web site MayoClinic.com, tapeworms can measure up to 50 feet long.

###

I will stick to California Rolls sans the raw fish, Thankyouverymuch!

Geez.....

I swear, the David disease I have is gaining in momentum. I've tried to convince myself that it was coincidental. I think my friends used to think that. They don't anymore.

My very best friend, whose name is Jan, ) not to be confused with another good friend who is a DAVID Jones fan (yeah, the Monkees...and my first love) whose name is Jan. Or another friend who is a Davy fan whose name is Janet.) anyway, my best friend Jan says that I create stuff out of osmosis. I'm not sure what that means, but it may be true. I may be creating all these Davids that I find out of ectoplasm or something.

Anyway, let me give you some examples of my disease.

My first love was Davy (David) Jones. My first boyfriend at age 11 was David Clodfelter. My first great love and third boyfriend was David Henderson.

I dated a track star in high school named David Stegenga. I dated a good looking hotel clerk (and probably a prime jerk looking back on it) named David Grey. Well, I probably didn't "date" David Grey. I engaged in some cardio activity with him though.

Oddly enough, I didn't marry a David. This may be why I'm apparently permanently single.

I married one boy whose name is synonomous with the old joke "what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?"

I will give you the answer to that only if you ask.

Anyway....along came a Mike that I married the second time. That didn't last long. The great love of my whole life came next, whose name was Randy Hall. He broke my heart. Then there was a Chris, and a long David dry spell. So much for the love life in my David disease. I'll move on to work, and recent exploits.

So I meet David O. What can I say about David O? Well he's pink. That tells you a lot, doesn't it? In fact he may be the ULTIMATE pink. His ear is pictured in an older post, too.

Cute as a button, smart as can be, as charismatic as Bill Clinton, (he really should have been a politician) a devastating Davy Jones smile, the only attractive Yankee voice I've ever heard, and the complete Metro. Enough to pull this moth right into the flame, right? He had me at 'Ello. No, wait, that's the British one...

I needed a full time client and was in the middle of a Davy fever, having rediscovered my little Manchester love after 35 years. David is about the same size as Davy. Of course he swears he is much bigger than that. He has a very similar smile. He was at the height of his career...and he believed in my abilities as much as I believed in his pinkness. We were a boss and employee, master and slave, match made in heaven. I adored him...still do, in fact, although I've spent the last 2 years trying to get away from him. He's also married with four - FOUR freaking kids! Little kids, too. LOUD little kids. Shoot me now. But he's pink. What's a girl to do? I worked for him and crushed over him. Unrequited worship and all that.

I never said I was normal, did I? Keep your insulting thoughts to yourself.

But this started another David syndrome. I have 5 Davids in my email addresses. David O's old boss and nemesis was named David. I met another local golf guy that I've talked to for years and may start working for soon named David. I met an SEO guy (which is what I do) in Charlotte named David.

I have a grand total of 17 Davids as friends on MySpace. My medical doctor that I recently acquired and simply love - David Hiltz.

Somewhere in all this (and a Myspace "friend") is David Carradine, aka Quai Chang Caine from the Kung Fu tv series. Another lifetime favorite who I credit with giving me most of my spiritual beliefs which lean towards Buddhism.

I will talk to a clerk in a convenience store, start to walk out, and he will say, I'm David so-and-so, by the way. I will sigh and say "it figures." I'll go t a drug store and get a prescription filled...read the bottle later on and the pharmacist will be David somebody.

There are Davids all over the television. Duchovny, Hassellhoff, David Lee Roth, and David Letterman. What did American Idol do this year? They had a whole season with 2 Davids battling it out for the winner!

So you tell me. Am I inundated with Davids? Is this normal?

A bit of David history to finish this diatribe out, and I will quit...

David: meaning, "Beloved" (also another meaning is "spoiled and demanding".)

David ruled as king of Israel in the 10th century BC and Jesus is thought to have descended from him. In the Old Testament, several of David’s stories are told, including his defeat of Goliath.

St David is the patron saint of Wales, and the only one of the British patron saints to be celebrated in the country of his birth. He founded various monastic settlements in Wales, and is said to have performed several miracles. St David's, where he was buried, is the smallest city in the UK. It has only 2000 residents, but does boast a cathedral. This is a typical David characteristic...being small but boasting of having more than the big guys.

Camp David is the mountain retreat of the US Presidents, the "David" part was named after Dwight Eisenhower's grandson David. You gotta know that kid was rotten.

Jacques-Louis David was a French painter, more commonly known by David, famous for his painting 'The Death of Marat'.

David Cameron is the leader of the British Conservative party. Other notable Davids include footballer David Beckham, and singer David Bowie.

There is an extremely famous Catholic bishop or some kind of big shot, named Fr. David O'Connell, and he competes with my David for being in Google the most.

David was the 13th most popular name in the USA.

Outside of the US, it is particularly popular in Spain (#4 in 2006) and Austria (#3 in 2006).

There. Enough about David for one post. I'm sure there will be one or more on the phone soon.

Unlike all the fake pictures on the internet, this one isn't. "Princess Chunky" was found loose in Voorhees, NJ this morning and picked up by the Humane Society. It didn't take but a few hours for the owner to claim her. It's obvious she's well loved! 44 lbs. That's as big as a lot of dogs!

My beloved Calico Lee that died in 2003 was 30 lbs and she was huge. I can only imagine this one. I'd love to have another huge cat...:-)
Calico Lee's Website

July 12th at the train depot. I can hardly think of what to say about this... I'm sure it was a "fun" time for all. Weirdness abounds...

Look at the audience instead of the entertainment...

Originally published in the Sun News on Wed, Jul. 09, 2008
(and would you let this man do a breast implant surgery on you????)

New complaint filed on NMB doctor

By Jenn Parker jparker@thesunnews.com

A 50-year-old Conway woman filed a sexual assault complaint with Myrtle Beach police Tuesday after she said a North Myrtle Beach cardiologist began touching her inappropriately two years ago while he worked in Myrtle Beach, according to a police report.

The victim said she made several visits between January 2006 and February 2007 to Dr. Omar Jaraki's Oleander Drive office after being referred there for an abnormal EKG, the report states.

During her first appointment, she said Jaraki asked her to take off her shirt and bra but did not leave the room or offer her a gown to cover herself. When the victim inquired about a robe, the doctor said, "I would have to open it anyway, so it gets in the way," according to the report.

She told police that after discussing breast reduction surgery with Jaraki, he took naked photos of her.

The victim said that Jaraki fondled her breasts during several visits and stopped when she began bringing her boyfriend to her appointments, according to the report. Police are investigating.

Jaraki, 51, was arrested and charged July 2 with two counts of assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature.

Two other female patients told police in early June that while being treated by Jaraki he fondled their genital area and made sexually explicit remarks to them, according to a statement from the Conway Police Department.

Jaraki turned himself in to police July 2 and was released on $5,000 bail.
Jaraki denied the allegations during a telephone interview with The Sun News July 2.

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