ShitMyDadSays

I wish you'd look at this Facebook page called "Shit My Dad Says". Some young man writing down everything his crusty old father says. It is absolutely hilarious!

ShitMyDadSays

"Sprain, huh? Did you go to medical school?... Well I did, so spare me your dog-shit diagnosis and lemme look at your ankle."

"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist." (this is myfavorite!)

"Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus."

"Might not do a damn bit of good, but tell people to donate to Haiti on your twitter thing." TEXT "Haiti" to 90999 to donate 10$

"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card."

"Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of shit in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice."

"I'm just gonna be me and they can go fuck themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."

"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."

 “Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."

"You can watch the house while I'm gone. Just don't call me unless something's on fire, and don't screw in my bed."

"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?”

"Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0"

"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."

"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."

"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts."

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."

"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works."

“The whole world is fueled by bullshit… What? The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I’m giving it to him.”

"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."

“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."

"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea."

"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."

"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."

"Remember this: you're just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it's not."

"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."

"Mom and I saw a great movie last night...No, don't remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks."

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

"I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away."